Required Maintenance

Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to... This is not a bold statement or even a new concept, but that does not mean it is untrue. This kills me to write about this because I hate cliche and people that write off of them, but I guess I got to deal.

I tend to fall for friends. It makes my life complicated and usually sad, but being close to people you trust is universal. My problem is that I might not have a line between friendship and lovers. I tend to want to be close to the people I love, which in turn, usually leads to lovers. This is not always a bad road to follow. The path leads to intimate connections, passionate love making, and a collection of other good things to follow, but the end result may be devastating. It is not that you fall out of love, it might just be that you were not in love at all. Not that you did not care deeply about them or love them as a friend, but did not love them they way you are suppose to love a mate.

Where is the line though? How are you suppose to know if falling for your best friend is a bad thing?  Most people dream about spending their life with their best friend. Being able to be intimate as well as make you laugh through out the day. Someone who you can't wait to see when you get home as well as curl your toes with pleasure. This is the ideal that everyone is looking for. Someone who you can trust and want to be there in your times of need, but also be passionate. That is the problems with ideals though they are always just out of reach.

For the reachers out there, like myself, I am sorry. We always think that there is something better just around the corner and while we maybe deeply in love with someone we are not willing to settle or make the final commitment needed to make the relationship progress they way it "should." We worry about the decisions we make and how they will effect the lives we are living. We want to fast foreword to see how are lives will end up so we can make the decisions now to make us happy later. This itself is very depressing. Impatience and the need to know effects the relationships we have and the future that is unclear. I hate this about myself because I can never be happy for I can never see what if right in front of me. I am completely scared of commitment and when I get to the point on where I have to leap... I break down and need to go get a emotional tune up. I need time to myself and myself alone to realize what I want. The problem with this maintenance request is that I usually figure this all out after it is to late to retrieve the relationship that was.

I have been in love, and am still in love with multiple people from my past. Some have completely faded from my life, by their choice, while others stick around because our love is so strong that it is worth the hurt of being near. I do like this about my life. I hate losing people that I love and I also like the trill and opportunity of being able to see how there lives turn out or if I was meant to be apart of them. Usually when I try to rekindle relationships and loves that I have had it proves to me that I made the right choice and being friends that are in love is better then being fully committed to them. The problem is, is that it does not always work out this way. Sometimes being with that person makes me realize how much I miss what we had and how perfectly imperfect it was when we were together. I still love them and do not know how to deal with them not wanting to still be with me. The hurt is unbearable to feel unwanted. This is my punishment though, for never knowing what I want. I want my best friend, but even when I fall for them, I flee for fear that I will hurt them if it goes on longer, because of my traditional run away from commitment dance.

Maybe I should just grin and bare it. Let go of the fear of hurting the one I love the most or even me. Let myself be vulnerable and give my heart to someone I trust and hope the trust will last. The problem is I have done that before and got recked. I have installed airbags now with a protective coating on heart to make sure that this does not happen again. The person who loves me needs to break that seal of protection and be able to be patient while I recover from the shock of breathing deep and being in love again. It is not that I am not in love before, but once my walls come down and my door opens I am committed to the fullest extent.

In theory, it will happen that I will find the person that it is worth letting in. I just hope they will wait in the waiting room while my required maintenance is fulfilled.